Yes, you. I’m sorry.

somewhere along the way and for quite some time,

i thought you were the one.

Why didn’t we ever talk about it? About you being the one, about me being the one—about us being one.

We spent too much time figuring out but we never really answered the question beneath every “i miss you,” every “Morning :)”, every ‘kiss-me-after-class’ smile, every time I pass by, every MRT ride, every the-closer-i-get-to-touching-you moment,  every stolen glance, every hidden stare… We never answered the question especially on that day when you came up to me and said, “Uwi na ko. Ingat ka.” We never really told each other, “I think i might be falling in love with you.” Yeah, mayabang tayo, feeling ko iniisip natin, hindi na kailangang sabihin yun. Well sakin, oo, assumera ako eh. But still, the question remains. Were we really in love?

Perhaps we were getting there.

if you wonder if it still matters,

yes, it still does.

ugh, maybe, we really need to talk.

Apple cinnamon.

Simula nung hinhintay ko ang results hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong reaction. As in WALA. NULL. IRRELE. N.R. to the nth, k. Alam yan ng slatemates ko. Parang wala lang talaga akong reaction at all. As in parang mas affected pa yung mga nakapaligid sa’kin. Sa bawat hug na natanggap ko kahapon, lost pa rin ako. L O S T. Hindi dahil okay lang. Pero hindi rin dahil frustrated ako. No, seriously. Walang frustration involved. WALA NGANG KAHIT ANONG EMOTION INVOLVED. Papasok ba ko? O hindi? well, papasok ako, midterms namin eh. (haha.) okay din ang tumblr sometimes, wala masyadong makakabasa. or walang makakabasa at all. Sana ma-figure out ko na ASAP kung ano ba talagang nararamdaman ko. KASI I’M TELLING YOU FRIENDS, WALA AKONG NARARAMDAMAN. KAHIT ANO. Hindi ako nagdadalamhati. pero di ko rin masabing okay lang. Hanuba. Though definite na ang plans ko para sa mga susunod na araw. weird lang talaga na wala akong nararamdaman. Hindi ako ganito, emotional ako as a person, pero bakit? bakit WALA AKONG MARAMDAMAN NGAYON? Hindi ako natutuwa. Hindi ako naiiyak. Hindi rin ako confused. Hindi rin bothered. GAAAH. eto na. Eto na ang pinakamahirap na pakiramdam, yung wala kang nararamdaman.

“Eighty-four, because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)

-from Suite 101

I want you to know
one thing. 

You know how this is: 
if I look 
at the crystal moon, at the red branch 
of the slow autumn at my window, 
if I touch 
near the fire 
the impalpable ash 
or the wrinkled body of the log, 
everything carries me to you, 
as if everything that exists, 
aromas, light, metals, 
were little boats 
that sail 
toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 
if little by little you stop loving me 
I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 
you forget me 
do not look for me, 
for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 
the wind of banners 
that passes through my life, 
and you decide 
to leave me at the shore 
of the heart where I have roots, 
remember 
that on that day, 
at that hour, 
I shall lift my arms 
and my roots will set off 
to seek another land. 

But 
if each day, 
each hour, 
you feel that you are destined for me 
with implacable sweetness, 
if each day a flower  
climbs up to your lips to seek me, 
ah my love, ah my own, 
in me all that fire is repeated, 
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 
my love feeds on your love, beloved, 
and as long as you live it will be in your arms 
without leaving mine. 

- Pablo Neruda